April 26, 2022

Let me gouge my eyes out because I’ll never see anything more beautiful.

Last week ‘living god’ and definitely not an extremely lonely anti-union memelord billionaire unveiled a truck that looks like a child’s attempt at drawing a DeLorean from memory, failing and then eating the piece of paper out of shame. It fucking rocks.  

This truck has everything I ever wanted in a truck. It has wheels. It’s angular. It can almost withstand the impact of a metal ball. It has wheels (I repeat that because it definitely does have wheels and it bears repeating). It doesn’t have side mirrors because fuck side mirrors am I right? It’s also got an interior I guess which I imagine is cool. To put it simply, it’s going to revolutionise how we get around, just like those single car tunnels that Musk wants to drill everywhere. Practicality is the name of the game, peasants.  

Personally, I literally cannot wait to drive this metal coffin around town only to struggle parking it (or maybe it parks itself or drives around until you’re done shopping, I don’t know because I hardly did any research for this blog and it shows). I might also put stuff in the back of it cos it’s a truck and that seems like a pretty trucky thing to do. But most of all I’m looking forward to reaching the level douche I’ve always aspired to bag.  

I also saw a video of a Cybertruck winning a pulling competition against another (less cybery) truck, so that rocks too (as long as I’m only ever challenged to a truck pulling competitions by people who don’t own a Cybertruck). The glory of that win – knowing that I literally had nothing to do with my own victory – will be exactly like the feeling Elon gets when he accomplishes anything. I don’t know if I’m saying Elon is a talent sponge who uses his vast wealth to stand on the shoulders of smarter people for the sole purpose of promoting the façade of ‘eccentric billionaire inventor’ or maybe I’m saying the complete opposite, you decide.  

Either way buy a Cybertruck you piece of shit.